


if it means a lot to you

by wartransmission



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2014-11-02
Packaged: 2018-02-23 15:43:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2552924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wartransmission/pseuds/wartransmission
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I love you.</p><p>I do.</p><p>I’d do anything. Everything, for you.</p><p>But—</p><p>“I have to let him go,” he whispers, promises to himself, hoping that his words settle into his skin and bones until they mean something.</p>
            </blockquote>





	if it means a lot to you

**Author's Note:**

> Fic title was taken from A Day To Remember's Song, [If It Means A Lot To You.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P829PgxKxuM)

_I love you._

_I do._

_I’d do anything. Everything, for you._

_But--_

“I have to let him go,” he whispers, promises to himself, hoping that his words settle into his skin and bones until they mean something.

Gentle hands pet his hair, warm and soothing, and he lets another tear slip. One more. Another.

He’s crying now, weak and _pathetic_ , clutching pink garment like it can help keep him anchored. Yet his grip can only do so much, can only provide him a temporary comfort from the realization that he _needs to let go._

His love won’t do anything for him, or for Gon. Not even for Alluka.

_It’s a burden. This will only make things worse._

“Do you really have to? Onii-chan?” Alluka tells him, softly murmurs the words into his hair like he’s something fragile.

_I’m not. I’m not fragile._

_I can’t be._

“This isn’t fair,” _to you_ , he doesn’t say, shuts the words tight into the tiny box that is his heart so that Alluka won’t hear.

“Would it make onii-chan happy?” she asks. Again, the meaning of her words, hidden in her silence. _Are you sure?_

Because she knows that this- his promises, his words- won’t mean anything unless he decides for himself. Unless he chooses on his own, without letting someone else decide for him.

“Yes,” he croaks, voice broken with his tears.

_Lie. Lie until it becomes true._

* * *

 

 

“What will you do now?” Mito-san asks him, not once looking at him even when he glances at her. She’s busy folding the laundry, but he knows better than to think that it was just a casual question.

“What will I do…” he repeats, voice trailing off into silence as he folds the laundry with her.

_I want something- someone- but I’m not sure what I should do._

“I’ll get stronger,” he says with a tiny nod to himself. That’s a good enough promise for now, isn’t it?

When he looks at her, she’s smiling like he’s just said something predictable. He smiles back because he knows that she knows him well.

“How are you going to do that?” she asks him.

“Training, of course,” he says with a grin.

A little more seriously, he adds, “I’ll train myself to be more patient. I’ll learn to listen. I…” then he turns to her, folded laundry half-wrinkled by the fists pressing into his chest. “I won’t let go of what I want anymore!”

She laughs, smiles like- she smiles _because_ she’s proud of him.

“That’s good.”

He grins, feeling his chest swell with pride at making her happy. _Finally_.

“Yeah!”

 

* * *

 

 

It’s warm. Safe. Familiar, like he’s being held by someone he knows.

_But who is it?_

 “I love you, Killua,” the figure hidden in dim light murmurs into his temple, presses sweet kisses on his skin until he feels like he’ll break. _This isn’t what I was made for._

“Do you?” he asks, even though he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t need a confirmation. He doesn’t want it to be a lie.

“I do. I’m happy, being with you.”

“Liar.”

“Do you love me?” the voice asks.

 _Who are you?_ he wants to say. Yet what comes out of his mouth is, “I do. Love you, I mean.”

_I don’t even know who you are._

He doesn’t have to look up to know that this other person is smiling.

“You know who I am, though.” He jerks at having his mind read so easily. The person adds, something teasing in his tone, “You’re just pretending you don’t.”

“That’s not-” he says, pushes the person away,

until he stops, and stares.

 _Gon_.

“See?” Gon grins, pulls him back into the hug like it means something more than what it really is, like he doesn’t want to let go. “You don’t have to be scared, Killua. I love you.”

“No.”

_You don’t. That’s a lie. You love fighting, and Mito-san, and Kite, and—_

“I do. More than anything else,” Gon says, nuzzling into his hair, “I love you.”

He’s quiet for a moment, staring at Gon’s eager gaze and smile.

Then he laughs.

Gon’s smile falters.

“This is a dream,” he says mid-laugh, choking back tears before he slaps away Gon’s hands trying to reach for his face. “No- a _nightmare._ ”

For all that this is a dream, this Gon certainly looks real. He _feels_ real, with his furrowed brows, downturned lips, glassy eyes-

He says, speaking the words he hates out loud because at least they’re _true,_

“Gon doesn’t love me.”

He wakes up.

“Onii-chan?” Alluka calls from his side, hair ruffled with sleep when she slowly sits up to look at him.

He smiles at her, laughing weakly when she dons a worried look at his possibly tear-streaked face.

“I’m fine.”

_I’m learning to be._

 

* * *

 

 

Killua is different when they meet again. He’s still Killua, _his_ Killua, strong and smart and stubborn, but there’s something else. Something more, something Killua didn’t let him see before.

He looks _sad_. But he smiles anyway, like he can hide it from him and it hurts, thinking of how often Killua has done this so he won’t worry.

He says, “You don’t have to do that, you know.”

Killua’s smile falters and he sees, just for a second, fear gleaming through blue eyes.

He knows why. He’s hurt Killua before, made him clean up after him because he was too selfish to see reason.

He winces at the reminder.

“Don’t do what?” Killua asks, as though he hasn’t already figured it out. His hands in his pockets and his wandering gaze screams _Liar, liar!_ but he says nothing. He wants Killua to tell him of his own accord; he wants to pretend that Killua trusts him enough to not keep everything a secret from him.

“That,” he says, reaching out to touch Killua’s face. He stops when he sees Killua’s instinctive flinch, and lowers his hand.

 _Please_ ,his heart cries, _I don’t want you to be scared of me anymore._

“You don’t have to smile when you don’t want to,” he tells him, trying to sound soothing when he returns his hand to his side. “You don’t have to pretend that you’re okay when you’re really angry at me.”

“I’m not angry at you,” Killua says immediately, surprising him into silence. He drops the smile on his face completely to settle for a pensive look. “I was angry at what you did. At what you chose to do. I was never angry at you.”

_Thump._

_Ba-thump._

He discreetly places a hand on his chest, squeezing his fingers closed to stop himself from smiling. It’d only make Killua clam up, he’s sure.

“I’m glad I could see you again,” Killua says, softer this time, red blooming on his face like stars in the night sky. “I-”

His heart jumps at the stutter. _What? What is it, Killua?_

“…never mind.” Killua shakes his head, looking frustrated with himself.

“You can tell me anything,” he says in his most assuring tone, smiling when Killua turns to him with a still-flushed face. “Really.”

“It’s nothing,” Killua says, smiling an amused smile as he waves off the offer.

His smile says, _I missed this._

“I missed you,” he says, smiling widely at the darkening red on Killua’s face reaching up to his ears. “It wasn’t fun without you.”

“Of course,” Killua says, trying to act indifferent as he always does when he’s embarrassed. “Not a lot of people can keep up with you.”

He grins.

“That wasn’t a compliment, idiot,” Killua snaps, the affectionate tone in his voice leaving no room for misunderstandings. _I missed you_ , he doesn’t say, but he doesn’t have to.

“Really,” Killua murmurs, voice growing quiet as he turns his gaze away from him, “how would you even last once we leave?”

“…huh?”

“Don’t make that face,” Killua says while smiling in amusement up at him, like he didn’t just say something as bizarre as he’s _leaving_ again. “Jeez. It’s not like this is the first time we’ve went our own ways.”

He says, hopes he doesn’t sound too confused, “But- you’re leaving? Again?”

“Did you think I’d stay just because I met up with you?” Killua says, laughs like it doesn’t matter. But it _does._

_It does, and Killua knows it._

“I’ve got Alluka now, remember? I can’t leave her.”

“Then-”

“She can’t _stay_ ,” Killua says, an exasperated sigh escaping him as he moves a step away from him. The small space between them feels like miles and it hurts, because he’d thought- he’d assumed that Killua would want to stay. He didn’t think that he would be wrong. “You’re reckless, and Alluka won’t be as safe if we stay with you.”

He feels a pang at Killua’s frankness. “I can try not to be!” he insists, because he can. If it’s for Killua, he can. He’s sure of it!

“You can, but it’s not who you are.”

He wants to say, _I’m who I am when I’m with you. Don’t you know that?_

Instead, he says, “ _Killua_.”

Killua smiles and it looks sad; he doesn’t understand it. He doesn’t understand why Killua would say that he has to leave when he doesn’t even look like he _wants_ to.

“Don’t make that face,” again, Killua says, not bothering to touch him like he did before. His voice is gentle and he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like it, because it just means that Killua _knows_ how much this hurts. “I’m not your only friend, Gon. You could pick anyone else to join you on your adventures.”

“But you’re _my_ best friend,” he says, squeezes his hands into fists until he feels his nails pressing crescent marks into his palm, “and I want _you_ to stay. It’s selfish, I know! Still…“

“What if I don’t want to?”

He blinks. He hopes that Killua can’t see how much it feels like his heart is breaking. “Huh?”

“Didn’t you ever consider that I wouldn’t want to stay with you?” Killua asks, words so indifferently said that he almost doesn’t pick up on it.

He only realizes what those words mean when he feels something inside him break. More and more, slowly, painfully-

Killua sighs and turns to look at him, stopping him in his tracks before he can keep walking.

“I love you,” Killua says, and it feels a lot like soaring and falling all at the same time. He doesn’t have to listen to know that there’s a _but_ , that this _I love you_ is the same thing as _goodbye._

Killua says, looking straight at him, _truthful_ , “But it’s different, now. I can’t stay if that’s how I feel. I can’t stay if I’m just forcing myself to.” He frowns, as though he’s the one who’s being left behind again. “It’d be unfair to you, and it’d only hurt us both. No one would be happy.”

Part of him wants to lie, wants to say that he doesn’t care so long as Killua _stays_. But…but he can’t force him. He doesn’t want to. He’s forced so many things out of Killua years ago, forced him to do things he didn’t like, and he doesn’t want to be that person anymore.

When he breaks, it feels a lot like being slowly picked apart until there is nothing left of him but his bones and a broken heart; like every good memory, every hope and wish he’d collected for when he met with Killua again was stolen from him in one fell swoop.

It feels a lot like being empty.


End file.
